She’s here!
The sweet-baby we have been blessed with arrived on January 12, 2012 at 11:43am weighing in at 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 20 magnificent inches of love.
Blessedly, it was an easy and safe delivery both for her and me. Water broke at 7:40am and she arrived – in the hospital! – at 11:43am. (Thank goodness we made it despite the morning traffic.)
Her name came easy to us because we wanted one with strong, personal meaning.
Emaan Sofia-Nora – Emaan means Faith in Arabic, Sofia for her big sister, and Nora for Sofia’s little friend in Paradise
I’ll write more in the upcoming weeks about what her arrival has meant for our family.
Thank you for your continued support and love… we feel it!
25 in 2011 – Books 20 through 24
Book numbers 20 through 24 for my 25 in 2011 goal consist of a real hodge-podge. Life has been pretty busy – you know, sitting around and getting fat all for the sake of the bebe - and I haven’t made any bookstore trips lately.
I’ve begged, borrowed, and been gifted these books and almost almost made it to 25… but technically I still have two days to finish just one more book to reach my goal. Read about 20 through 24 after the more jump… This time I’m only writing a brief review on one because I need to get going on washing newborn baby-girl clothes and finding that 25th book.
How many children do you have?
It’s an innocent question that people ask all the time when meeting someone for the first time and just in casual conversation. For those of us who have lost children, it’s a breath-stopper every single time.
You’re plagued with guilt – no matter how you end up answering the question.
Shortly after we lost Sofia, I was asked this question – I don’t remember where I was – but without hesitation I answered, Three – 2 with me and 1 in Heaven not long ago. The person paused and said her condolences and was, of course, very kind.
I was asked again a bit after that. The situation didn’t call for me to probably ever speak to this person again and I wasn’t in the emotional state to deal with one more I’m so sorry, so I said two, two boys. Of course, I felt terrible guilt because I didn’t acknowledge her. I’ll never answer two again.
Now I’m at the point where I don’t want to ruin someone’s day with my personal tragedy, so I typically answer three and one on the way. And this pregnancy brings up even more questions – oh, you have two boys and this one is a girl – how exciting – you’re first girl. And I don’t have the heart to say, no, actually, it’s not.
Just last week a manager at a CVS I frequent noticed my belly and asked the question and I said 3 so this makes 4. I then asked her Oh, you have children, too? I didn’t ask her how many.
An Injection of Joy
It is not unusual for me to write and rewrite posts in my head for days, sometimes weeks, and sometimes – not always – I manage to actually capture my thoughts accurately and write them down. Most of the time, though, I find the perfect words and phrases in my head, and they never manage to transfer to the keyboard. I can guarantee this will be one such post.
I’m feeling the extreme need to justify myself and explain the decision I’m going to share with you in this post because I fear people won’t understand and, God-forbid, judge me. We’ve been judged by people we know and people we don’t know and I just need to let it go. No one walks in our shoes, no one is flawless, and the best laid-plans and decisions can turn tragic in a heartbeat. I just need to let it go.
Even writing all of that brings a certain amount of guilt because I know I shouldn’t have to justify or explain in this way.
You may know, you may not. You may have seen me recently and thought, wow, she’s gained some weight. Well, indeed, I have. (I’d like it to be on record, though, that it’s a small amount of weight!)
Joy has been brought once again to our house, and we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new baby in January. Mashallah – Whatever God wills!
Life has become an emotional journey of ups and downs with a dismal outlook on the future. We’ve been injected with a bit of joy and are holding tight.
You may know the moving story of John & Elizabeth Edwards and the loss of their teenage son in a car accident when he was 16. They went on to have two children after their indescribable loss. Explaining their decision, Elizabeth wrote simply ‘children make us happy,’
Children make us happy, too, and we are navigating our way through this injection of joy into our lives and into our home.
Thank you; carry on.
The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness: A Memoir
Number 19 on my list for my 25 in 2011 goal is The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness: A Memoir by Brianna Karp.
Overall, The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness was a quick read that helps highlight how debilitating homelessness is and that many, many people are one step away from it.
Would I recommend you read it? Not so sure. I’d rather you borrow from me or the library. And give the $11 to a homeless shelter near you.
Quick recap – Brianna finds herself homeless after losing her job and needing to escape her dysfunctional and abusive parent’s home. A blessing for her, she was able to secure a living space in her biological father’s old RV which she parks in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Brianna writes about using Starbucks’ internet service, her laptop, cell phone, and a P.O. Box to work to secure new employment. She mentions using a $10 month health club shower to stay as clean as possible so she could interview and, when she did find employment, keep a job. Read more…
25 in 2011 – Book 18: The Leftovers
Number 18 on my list for my 25 in 2011 goal is The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta. And I highly recommend it.
This book was an easy, quick read that I finished eagerly a day after it was delivered to my door. Despite its’ rapture-like theme, the book is not overly religious, and instead the author focuses on how people change after a traumatic event and loss. Some characters move on and forget nothing ever happened, finding it too difficult to process, and others change their life drastically and go over the edge, joining various religious cults with humorous names like The Barefoot People, the Healing Hug movement, and the Guilty Remnant. The latter being the most sinister requiring its’ members to take a vow of silence, dress in all white, chain-smoke, and stalk nonmembers.
I especially relate to one of the broken characters who lost her husband and two small children. She struggles with what life looks like after such a loss and grapples with relationships, including monotonous, mind-numbing small-talk, all of which I can fully relate to. In the end, although struggling with confusion and grief, she makes the right decision for her life.
One last note on Tom Perrotta’s rapture – - – He doesn’t call it rapture, but instead the Sudden Departure. Perhaps this is because in the Christian sense of the word, the rapture only takes Christians (those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior). Perrotta’s Sudden Departure includes Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, and – - – Muslims!
Listen or read an interesting interview with Tom Perrotta on NPR.
Closure?
“Closure” is a buzz word and means nothing and is neither attainable nor realistic when there is a loss in your life.
You do learn to live with it, the bring-you-to-your knees pain, but the door cannot be “closed.” Only ridiculous people will tell you that you will have closure someday. Those are the people you wish you could be because of their obvious naivety on life. Nothing bad has happened to them.
Through faith, I know there’s a reason I’m still on this earth struggling through this tragedy, breathing with a broken heart, functioning – somewhat – thru every long day. I will never, ever be the same person I was – impossible – and I may never love life the same way again. Maybe I’ll be able to tolerate mind-numbing small-talk someday and genuinely care what the weather is doing, maybe not. What I know I will always have is greater empathy for people and their struggles and their own losses, far greater empathy than I could ever have before.
I know that on this earth I will not know why this has happened, but I believe someday I will. And it will all become clear when I see Sofia again. I’ve had few dreams of her and, in one, I held her and told her “I’m gonna see you again,” and I repeated it to her over and over. And through faith I believe I will.
Closure? No, that’s not closure or even acceptance, it’s just the way I manage to continue to breathe and has become my mantra when I’m most down – – - I’m gonna see you again.
Facebook – Don’t want everyone to see what pages you “Like”?
Don’t want everyone to see what pages you “Like” on Facebook? (Did you even know that they can?)
I’m not judging – it’s OK if you want to “Like” Bambi’s Gentleman’s Club and First United Church. You just may not want to broadcast it and have it show on all of your friends’ Walls. In my opinion, it’s unnecessary and just clutters everyone’s Walls. Read more…
Why do they make vitamin packs so difficult to open?
I finally resorted to scissors and a ziplock bag to store.
My Stencil Experience
Well, I’’ve just added to the list of things I’ve tried – - – Good way to look at it right?
I don’t remember how I stumbled on the Cutting Edge Stencils, but I did and I was soon lost in their images of beautifully stenciled walls. Read more…
25 in 2011 – Books 5 through 17: Too many to put in this title!
I know you’re simply speechless, but I haven’t updated my list for my 25 in 2011 goal since early March. I’m long overdue! I have a feeling that I’ve read more than this these last few months; once all of my books are pulled out from underneath my bed (not kidding) and around my bedroom and house to put in my new bookcases that my wonderful brother-in-law built for us, I’ll add to the list.
For now, here’s a list of books 5 through 17. And below I’ve written briefly on a three I highly recommend and two you should pass even if you see it on the sale rack at Half Price Books. Read more…
How to make it through and out of a downward spiral
A very good friend of mine is in a rut and reached out to talk and gain some perspective. No one can argue that life isn’t easy – it’s an up-and-down rollercoaster – No matter how successful you appear to be, how much money you have, or how pretty you look in every picture. It’s our human nature to be emotional creatures; it’s what differentiates us from the animal world. (But then, I’ve seen some mommy-apes seem to scold their babies and roll their eyes in frustration, so who knows.) We’ll be walking along smoothly, everything is good, and then, bam, we’re hit with bad news or an unexpected bill in the mail or a rude, uninvited opinion and now we hate everything and everyone on this green-earth. It’s how we handle these sucky parts that help build our resilience… and our faith. Read more…
5 Random Things I’ve Learned in the Last Year
1. I really like to watch cooking contests but apply none of it to my life because I really don’t like cooking. So, all they really do for me is make me hungry for random dishes like Eggs Benedict at one in the morning.
2. Grief is a three-headed monster that knocks the wind out of you when you aren’t expecting it. It doesn’t care that it might not be the “right” time or place for a breakdown.
3. Always remember people’s intentions. When it is someone I care about it, it’s easier to let the stupid thing they say or do roll right off of me when I know they don’t really mean to be that dumb.
4. I feel the “best” after a productive day either at work or at home. The problem is my lack of desire to make a productive day by first getting out of bed…
5. I could never in a million years have imagined that I would be in the place in life that I am today. It’s been one heck of a year+. It only serves to remind that I’m not the one in charge as much as I’d like to think I am. I long for the days when I really did think that. Such blissful naivety.
Casey Anthony Sound-off
The whole Casey Anthony situation is a mess. Not only did a beautiful little girl lose her life, but her family will never be the same. Read more…
Microsoft Word 2010 | Citations & Bibliography
I recently helped a young man format a college paper including citations and building a bibliography. I showed him how Microsoft Word makes it all super easy and wanted to share it with you too. This 8 min video is – hopefully – helpful for a high school or college student who has to write papers. Let Word take care of some of the tedious tasks for you!
WARNING – - – If you are listening via earbuds, turn the volume down a bit. I need to adjust my mike’s volume – I think it’s too loud.
“haPPy Mother’s Day”
It’s been very difficult to even step a foot in Sofia’s room. Not even difficult, just my heart-stopping inability to cross the threshold. Read more…
Go Forth and Be Grateful
(This post could also be titled Quit your Bitchin’)
In addition to all of the reading I’m doing for 25 in 2011, I’ve been reading a few things on happiness. And because I am so damn sad the majority of my day, all I can do is read on it. But that’s OK. It’s a step. In some direction.
In last Sunday’s Chicago Tribune – yes, the actual paper version, which is now much thinner than past year’s Sunday papers – there was a great article on Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of the numerous Simple Abundance books. Check it out here if you can’t find your Sunday paper. Read more…
If I was gonna…
In desperate need of light-heartedness… All in good humor folks!
- – - If I was going to get a tattoo, it would read distractions.
- – - If I was going to get a piercing, it would be on my nose because Sofia wanted one when she was older, and I promised her she could.
- – - If I was going to get plastic surgery, it would be everywhere-lipo.
- – - If I was going to take a drink, I wouldn’t stop.
- – - And If I was going to take a hit, it wouldn’t be my last.
Ideas?
It may be unfounded, but my biggest fear is that Sofia will be forgotten.
I can’t bear the thought that in 10 years, she will just be a distant memory.
How can I even begin to have this conversation?
The last few days have been pure family time, and the boys and husband and I have hardly been out of one another’s site. March 24th would have been Sofia’s 10th birthday. It was a tough day, but we managed to make it through by being together… That’s really all we could do.
We have a few things already in the works – prompted and lead by others. There will be a new playground bench dedicated in her name at St Helen this spring. And a walk/run event sometime in the fall.
Our local neighborhood park is being rebuilt, and I have asked that a brick from the old building be inscribed and installed in the new building. She and her brothers spent a lot of happy times there.
We’re also researching starting a non-profit with donations going to a to-be-determined charity or charities. I don’t believe we’ll start something new, because there are so many groups doing great things that need support already.
Any ideas let me know.
