In not a small way
There’s a place in the house where several pictures of Sofia are beautifully displayed.
At times I strategically place other photo frames in front. And at other times I sit and stare and it’s a knife through my heart.
Tonight I am caught off guard and it hits me, nearly a physical feeling of panic and pain. And, of course, the tears flow.
And in this moment I glance at Baby who just moments before is sleeping peacefully and she now stares at me intently with a big smile and begins to coo.
It’s almost as if she tells me Momma, you’re OK. I am here to make you feel better.
Her big eyes envelope me in pure love and are an unceasing reminder of the faith I hold.
In not a small way, she has saved me.
Chicago Party Venues
A great thing about Chicago is all of the places to host an event. In my research for Emaan’s “Happy Baby” welcome party in March, I came across a few stunningly beautiful places I want to share. In case you’re planning your nuptials or a baby shower or just need any excuse to throw a party (who doesn’t?!), I want to show you some unique spots I found that you should check out. Read more…
Crockpot + Chicken = Lots o’ Dinners
It is no secret that the kitchen is my least favorite room in the house – I even like the laundry room better. The only kitchen-exception is the fridge because that’s where I keep my chocolate, but other than that, it really could just all go away. So, needless to say, because I must feed my family, I like to make it in and out of there fairly quickly.
I also know that if I don’t prepare, I’ll be reaching for take-out which isn’t good on the diet nor the wallet!
Enter crockpot. And chicken breasts (or thighs). Combine the two and you have several quick meals. Read more…
10 No-Rhyme-Lines
Contractions, few not many, due date approaching
Morning time January 12, water broke, and broke and broke. On O’s side of bed.
Finish breakfast, find sparkly earrings and glittery eye shadow
Rush to hospital in 8 a.m. Chicago traffic, boys happy to school-skip
Hospital on lockdown, does security guard want a baby delivered on the sidewalk
Door opens, thank you!, kind nurses, epidural, yes please
11:43 a.m., three burning pushes, she’s here!
Hearts overflowing with love, our little Emaan a symbol of our faith
Daddy in love, big brothers speechless, Mom relieved, beautiful snow falling
New journey begins with eyes wide, love flowing, and mashallah on our lips
Birthdays
Last Saturday, March 24, was Sofia’s birthday. She would have been 11.
We all spent the day together. O, the boys, baby, and I. Limited cell phone use and no computer and television. Just together.
I can say that this year’s birthday was a bit easier because of baby. She literally melts our hearts every time we look at her. She has brought us all so much joy and is a blessing for us every single day.
When this time of year rolls around, there’s so much anxiety that when the day finally arrives, it’s a big exhale and then March 25th comes and then the anxiety builds again as time moves toward the anniversary of the day we lost her. It will be like this for the rest of my life. I don’t expect it to get easier; I will only get more and more used to it and, in time, I hope I deal with it “better.”
March 24 happens to be my birthday too. And for 9 years I celebrated it with Sofia by my side. If I could make everyone forget it’s my birthday, too, and just remember Sofia, I would. I cringe to hear “happy birthday” and it’s a stab to my heart.
Tomorrow we have an appointment at the cemetery where O’s father is. I want a plaque or something for Sofia near his grave. It’s going to be hard. It’s a task not easily accomplished but one that I want done; I want to have a “place” for her. I’m going to hold baby tightly as a reminder of God’s will and the blessings we have…..
Want
I want….
I want to be thin and graceful with small, delicate wrists, and hair that always flows just right and curls in all the right places
I want to make jewelry, big earrings with gems and beads and dainty bracelets with charm
I want to pray every day and spiritually reflect on my faith and my purpose, always giving more
I want to be a calm Chicago driver, letting other cars always merge, respectful and careful of bicyclers and not so easily irritated
I want to be the mother of my kid’s dreams, baking cookies upon request and whipping up batches of homemade pancakes with hot maple syrup, and
The wife of my husband’s, always clearly communicating with the love and respect I feel, and not so easily irritated, nourishing our marriage
I want to honor my sweet daughter’s life so she is never forgotten, embracing the memories and pictures from the past, building her legacy of joy
….
Perspective
After writing a letter in my mind over-and-over for months and months and never being able to find the “right” words, I finally came to terms with the fact that the words cannot be found because they simply do not exist. It doesn’t matter for purposes of this blog post who the letter was to, just that I felt the need to write it and it’s been a burden on my mind for quite some time – a long year-and-a-half.
So, I finally wrote it; the words blessedly flowed. And as I sealed the envelope, I realized that in order to send it, I needed the address. I looked in all of our papers and the large volume of sympathy cards we received and couldn’t locate it. And, of course, the tears also flowed just looking at the cards and the little box they’ve been in for quite some time.
It’s not a matter of feeling sorry for myself. I do not tend to do that; I just get sad and thoughtful on the past events and longing for what is missed.
And, on this particular sad day and moment, I turned to the news, CNN to be exact, and was quickly engrossed in the coverage on Syria. All of a sudden, my sadness turned to empathy for the Syrian people and all that they are going through. And the fact that children are being buried…. by mothers and fathers…. I’m not the only one who grieves, and, in fact, I can truthfully say they’re pain is far greater.
Again and again, I’m reminded that perspective is vital.
She’s here!
The sweet-baby we have been blessed with arrived on January 12, 2012 at 11:43am weighing in at 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 20 magnificent inches of love.
Blessedly, it was an easy and safe delivery both for her and me. Water broke at 7:40am and she arrived – in the hospital! – at 11:43am. (Thank goodness we made it despite the morning traffic.)
Her name came easy to us because we wanted one with strong, personal meaning.
Emaan Sofia-Nora – Emaan means Faith in Arabic, Sofia for her big sister, and Nora for Sofia’s little friend in Paradise
I’ll write more in the upcoming weeks about what her arrival has meant for our family.
Thank you for your continued support and love… we feel it!
25 in 2011 – Books 20 through 24
Book numbers 20 through 24 for my 25 in 2011 goal consist of a real hodge-podge. Life has been pretty busy – you know, sitting around and getting fat all for the sake of the bebe - and I haven’t made any bookstore trips lately.
I’ve begged, borrowed, and been gifted these books and almost almost made it to 25… but technically I still have two days to finish just one more book to reach my goal. Read about 20 through 24 after the more jump… This time I’m only writing a brief review on one because I need to get going on washing newborn baby-girl clothes and finding that 25th book.
How many children do you have?
It’s an innocent question that people ask all the time when meeting someone for the first time and just in casual conversation. For those of us who have lost children, it’s a breath-stopper every single time.
You’re plagued with guilt – no matter how you end up answering the question.
Shortly after we lost Sofia, I was asked this question – I don’t remember where I was – but without hesitation I answered, Three – 2 with me and 1 in Heaven not long ago. The person paused and said her condolences and was, of course, very kind.
I was asked again a bit after that. The situation didn’t call for me to probably ever speak to this person again and I wasn’t in the emotional state to deal with one more I’m so sorry, so I said two, two boys. Of course, I felt terrible guilt because I didn’t acknowledge her. I’ll never answer two again.
Now I’m at the point where I don’t want to ruin someone’s day with my personal tragedy, so I typically answer three and one on the way. And this pregnancy brings up even more questions – oh, you have two boys and this one is a girl – how exciting – you’re first girl. And I don’t have the heart to say, no, actually, it’s not.
Just last week a manager at a CVS I frequent noticed my belly and asked the question and I said 3 so this makes 4. I then asked her Oh, you have children, too? I didn’t ask her how many.
An Injection of Joy
It is not unusual for me to write and rewrite posts in my head for days, sometimes weeks, and sometimes – not always – I manage to actually capture my thoughts accurately and write them down. Most of the time, though, I find the perfect words and phrases in my head, and they never manage to transfer to the keyboard. I can guarantee this will be one such post.
I’m feeling the extreme need to justify myself and explain the decision I’m going to share with you in this post because I fear people won’t understand and, God-forbid, judge me. We’ve been judged by people we know and people we don’t know and I just need to let it go. No one walks in our shoes, no one is flawless, and the best laid-plans and decisions can turn tragic in a heartbeat. I just need to let it go.
Even writing all of that brings a certain amount of guilt because I know I shouldn’t have to justify or explain in this way.
You may know, you may not. You may have seen me recently and thought, wow, she’s gained some weight. Well, indeed, I have. (I’d like it to be on record, though, that it’s a small amount of weight!)
Joy has been brought once again to our house, and we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new baby in January. Mashallah – Whatever God wills!
Life has become an emotional journey of ups and downs with a dismal outlook on the future. We’ve been injected with a bit of joy and are holding tight.
You may know the moving story of John & Elizabeth Edwards and the loss of their teenage son in a car accident when he was 16. They went on to have two children after their indescribable loss. Explaining their decision, Elizabeth wrote simply ‘children make us happy,’
Children make us happy, too, and we are navigating our way through this injection of joy into our lives and into our home.
Thank you; carry on.
The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness: A Memoir
Number 19 on my list for my 25 in 2011 goal is The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness: A Memoir by Brianna Karp.
Overall, The Girl’s Guide to Homelessness was a quick read that helps highlight how debilitating homelessness is and that many, many people are one step away from it.
Would I recommend you read it? Not so sure. I’d rather you borrow from me or the library. And give the $11 to a homeless shelter near you.
Quick recap – Brianna finds herself homeless after losing her job and needing to escape her dysfunctional and abusive parent’s home. A blessing for her, she was able to secure a living space in her biological father’s old RV which she parks in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Brianna writes about using Starbucks’ internet service, her laptop, cell phone, and a P.O. Box to work to secure new employment. She mentions using a $10 month health club shower to stay as clean as possible so she could interview and, when she did find employment, keep a job. Read more…
25 in 2011 – Book 18: The Leftovers
Number 18 on my list for my 25 in 2011 goal is The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta. And I highly recommend it.
This book was an easy, quick read that I finished eagerly a day after it was delivered to my door. Despite its’ rapture-like theme, the book is not overly religious, and instead the author focuses on how people change after a traumatic event and loss. Some characters move on and forget nothing ever happened, finding it too difficult to process, and others change their life drastically and go over the edge, joining various religious cults with humorous names like The Barefoot People, the Healing Hug movement, and the Guilty Remnant. The latter being the most sinister requiring its’ members to take a vow of silence, dress in all white, chain-smoke, and stalk nonmembers.
I especially relate to one of the broken characters who lost her husband and two small children. She struggles with what life looks like after such a loss and grapples with relationships, including monotonous, mind-numbing small-talk, all of which I can fully relate to. In the end, although struggling with confusion and grief, she makes the right decision for her life.
One last note on Tom Perrotta’s rapture – - – He doesn’t call it rapture, but instead the Sudden Departure. Perhaps this is because in the Christian sense of the word, the rapture only takes Christians (those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior). Perrotta’s Sudden Departure includes Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, and – - – Muslims!
Listen or read an interesting interview with Tom Perrotta on NPR.
Closure?
“Closure” is a buzz word and means nothing and is neither attainable nor realistic when there is a loss in your life.
You do learn to live with it, the bring-you-to-your knees pain, but the door cannot be “closed.” Only ridiculous people will tell you that you will have closure someday. Those are the people you wish you could be because of their obvious naivety on life. Nothing bad has happened to them.
Through faith, I know there’s a reason I’m still on this earth struggling through this tragedy, breathing with a broken heart, functioning – somewhat – thru every long day. I will never, ever be the same person I was – impossible – and I may never love life the same way again. Maybe I’ll be able to tolerate mind-numbing small-talk someday and genuinely care what the weather is doing, maybe not. What I know I will always have is greater empathy for people and their struggles and their own losses, far greater empathy than I could ever have before.
I know that on this earth I will not know why this has happened, but I believe someday I will. And it will all become clear when I see Sofia again. I’ve had few dreams of her and, in one, I held her and told her “I’m gonna see you again,” and I repeated it to her over and over. And through faith I believe I will.
Closure? No, that’s not closure or even acceptance, it’s just the way I manage to continue to breathe and has become my mantra when I’m most down – – - I’m gonna see you again.
Facebook – Don’t want everyone to see what pages you “Like”?
Don’t want everyone to see what pages you “Like” on Facebook? (Did you even know that they can?)
I’m not judging – it’s OK if you want to “Like” Bambi’s Gentleman’s Club and First United Church. You just may not want to broadcast it and have it show on all of your friends’ Walls. In my opinion, it’s unnecessary and just clutters everyone’s Walls. Read more…
Why do they make vitamin packs so difficult to open?
I finally resorted to scissors and a ziplock bag to store.
My Stencil Experience
Well, I’’ve just added to the list of things I’ve tried – - – Good way to look at it right?
I don’t remember how I stumbled on the Cutting Edge Stencils, but I did and I was soon lost in their images of beautifully stenciled walls. Read more…
25 in 2011 – Books 5 through 17: Too many to put in this title!
I know you’re simply speechless, but I haven’t updated my list for my 25 in 2011 goal since early March. I’m long overdue! I have a feeling that I’ve read more than this these last few months; once all of my books are pulled out from underneath my bed (not kidding) and around my bedroom and house to put in my new bookcases that my wonderful brother-in-law built for us, I’ll add to the list.
For now, here’s a list of books 5 through 17. And below I’ve written briefly on a three I highly recommend and two you should pass even if you see it on the sale rack at Half Price Books. Read more…
How to make it through and out of a downward spiral
A very good friend of mine is in a rut and reached out to talk and gain some perspective. No one can argue that life isn’t easy – it’s an up-and-down rollercoaster – No matter how successful you appear to be, how much money you have, or how pretty you look in every picture. It’s our human nature to be emotional creatures; it’s what differentiates us from the animal world. (But then, I’ve seen some mommy-apes seem to scold their babies and roll their eyes in frustration, so who knows.) We’ll be walking along smoothly, everything is good, and then, bam, we’re hit with bad news or an unexpected bill in the mail or a rude, uninvited opinion and now we hate everything and everyone on this green-earth. It’s how we handle these sucky parts that help build our resilience… and our faith. Read more…
