Arranged Marriages
Originally, I started this post as a response to another post on a blog that I had bookmarked at some point but never actually visited. Then, as I was typing, I thought to put it on my own blog as well because this really is a fascinating topic for me and one that I will write more on. Regardless, the other blog is Maria Hussain and her posting is Maria’s Marriage Advice.
I am a newer convert to Islam after marrying my Muslim husband and being together now 15 years. (I can’t believe it’s been 15 years even as I type that!) His family accepted me without question and always teased me that I would convert “one of these days.” I did after a long journey through lots of reading and research, reflection and prayer.
ar-range
-verb
to place in proper order
to come to an agreement or understanding
to prepare or plan
When I became familiar with arranged marriages, I really was appalled. I was watching it unfold through his family members and was both shocked and amazed. The aunties talking and sending pictures and exchanging bio-datas (personal resumes). And I thought, how could these women let this happen to them? How could they marry someone they barely know? It has only been through time and the wisdom that does (hopefully) come with age that I now understand it better. Who better knows their children and wants what is best for them than their own parents? A 19-20-21 year old girl is starry-eyed and immature as is her male counterpart. And that’s OK, they are young. Only the experiences of marriage, both the ups and the downs, offer the valuable and needed insight to understand the necessary ingredients to making a marriage both successful and rewarding.
I am blessed with two sons and one daughter. Do I want my children to have arranged marriages? A traditional arranged marriage where the families exchange pictures (“seeking light-skinned female”), debate worthiness (MBA or BA?), and determine the family significance (or insignificance) of the connection? No. Will I want to have a say in who they choose to spend the rest of their lives with? Absolutely. I expect that. No one knows each of them better than their father and me. Second in line are our families who love them nearly as much as we do. And, knowing my children, and as close as we are and always will be, I believe they’ll be OK with that and want our opinions and our guidance, because after all, we’ve been there, done that, are still doing it, and want only the absolute best lives for them.
So the way I see it (take this with a grain, er, a bag of salt), there are the following general steps this whole marriage process:
1. Guy meets girl or vice versa
2. They get to know each other and think about it
3. If it works out (and probably after some more interaction), they get engaged and married, if not, then they move on to find someone else.
Nowadays, arranged marriages are similar, except that the parents, or someone else, do step 1 by introducing two people to each other. The rest should be up to the kids.
When you write about having “been there, done that”, it reminds me of something my Anthropology professor said when the class discussed arranged marriages:
“When you are facing major issues in your middle aged life, which everyone will in some way, shape, or form; do you want to be with someone who is understanding and helpful, or someone who you thought was ‘hot’ 20 years ago?” —- LOL!!!!
But hey, who knows how things will work out for all of us. Looking back, I could have never thought I’d be where I am now; I hear the same thing applies to this marriage thing.
arranged marriages have always been acceptable and thank God never forced in my family or any of our family friends’, its always been the whole exchange of ‘cv’ so to say which puts people off because how can anyone even reject a piece of paper? anyways whatever Allah has planned always happens whether it be in the form of arranged or love marriages, if you, yourself look back would you have ever imagined becoming muslim?, you met your husband for far greater things than just marriage (not to bring that down, mashAllah you’re in a long and happy marriage) you married him and found your path < well thats my take on it , i obviously dont know you well enough to make such grand assumptions, forgive me if i overstep, salaam x