How many children do you have?
It’s an innocent question that people ask all the time when meeting someone for the first time and just in casual conversation. For those of us who have lost children, it’s a breath-stopper every single time.
You’re plagued with guilt – no matter how you end up answering the question.
Shortly after we lost Sofia, I was asked this question – I don’t remember where I was – but without hesitation I answered, Three – 2 with me and 1 in Heaven not long ago. The person paused and said her condolences and was, of course, very kind.
I was asked again a bit after that. The situation didn’t call for me to probably ever speak to this person again and I wasn’t in the emotional state to deal with one more I’m so sorry, so I said two, two boys. Of course, I felt terrible guilt because I didn’t acknowledge her. I’ll never answer two again.
Now I’m at the point where I don’t want to ruin someone’s day with my personal tragedy, so I typically answer three and one on the way. And this pregnancy brings up even more questions – oh, you have two boys and this one is a girl – how exciting – you’re first girl. And I don’t have the heart to say, no, actually, it’s not.
Just last week a manager at a CVS I frequent noticed my belly and asked the question and I said 3 so this makes 4. I then asked her Oh, you have children, too? I didn’t ask her how many.
what a tough one. such a seemingly innocent question, but packed with so much emotion. it definitely makes me think twice about how to phrase things..but even so, i think each and every situation and person is different. like you said, you might answer one way to someone you are likely not to build a long relationship and answer differently to someone you will see and/or socialize/work with frequently? don’t EVER feel guilty, you have to acknowledge your PERSONAL pain and keep it all in some sort of perspective! love you!
Yes, it does depend on the day and the moment on how I answer these type of questions. It also depends on the “vibe” I get from the person who is asking. If I feel they are a caring, empathetic soul, I usually reply honestly and straight-forward. If I sense they are not, I tend to say little.
This touched me to my very core, Sheri, so moving and loving. Yes, you have three children and another lucky child on the way, I can’t wait to see her.
Thank you my kind, loving friend!
I was talking it over with my friend and co-worker, Nikki. We have no idea how we would handle this question. I’m glad you brought it up. I never thought about how painful a seemingly innocent inquiry like this could cause pain. I think that unless I know the person intimately, I will not ask the number of children in the future. Maybe I will just ask a new friend to tell me about her family. The things that Barb said are very thoughtful and true.
Thank you Pumpkin (aka Helena). I never doubt anyone’s intentions and believe that they are always good (unless they prove me wrong).
Oh boy. I just realized I put in the name of my cat instead of Helena. That’s what happens when you turn 40.
I’m Helena…not Pumpkin!
Just wait until you turn 60, like I recently did. You will be lucky if you remember your own name!
Well, I’m blaming my memory-lapses on pregnancy brain – but I don’t think it’s going to get much better after the pregnancy!!
Haha Helena! I was wondering who “Pumpkin” was!
As Grandparents, we also have struggled with this, when asked ‘how many grandkids
do you have?’, now, we have the perfect answer. Eight, Sofia Marie, watching over us,
and waiting for us to join her someday!.
And now, a new Baby coming very soon, is another Gift, from God! It will be a joy
to be grandparents again for the ninth time!
Sheri..Your answer would be good to pass on to Noah, Zane and Omer as well.
Love You All! Grandma and Grandpa Howe
I cannot say how I would handle this…you seem to do it with grace and thoughtfulness. I do keep a prayer card of a friend’s baby who died just hours after birth. I keep it because all children should be remembered…she is not even a close friend, but I think about little Nicholas all the time..in a healthy way..just acknowledging that he was with us and is now with God.
Congratulations on your new baby. You will have four beautiful children…one of whom will be watching from Heaven.
Wow. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I’m speechless…